Love is: loving you for the rest of my life.

Nicole Mcmahon

lyftroml — Sun, 10 May 2009 01:29:42 +0000

Happy Mother’s Day 2009
with love….always…

still in my heart & mind every day….

lyftroml — Sun, 09 Nov 2008 17:03:09 +0000

It’s Novenmber 10th – and I still think about you many times every day. I still miss you. I still want you. I still need you. I still love you.

Random thoughts go through my head from day to day.

lyftroml — Fri, 17 Oct 2008 15:30:57 +0000

This is one of them….trying to make sense of it all…

I wonder if your new partner would still feel the same way about you if you
lived in housing commission?
I wonder if you would feel the same about your new partner if he was broke
and had a shit job?
I’m not sure either of you would feel the same way…..so maybe you do
really belong together.
I loved you unconditionally, material possessions and status meant nothing.
I loved your heart, mind and soul.

Since you left me….
I can see who I want.
I can sleep around if I want.
I can be a swinger if I want.
I can chat online if I want.
I can do anything I want.

But the only problem is…
All I want is you.

“Maybe our mistakes are what make our fate.
Without them, what would shape our lives?
Perhaps if we never veered off course,
we wouldnt fall in love,
or have babies, or be who we are!
After all, seasons change.
So do people.
People come into your life & people go.
But its comforting to know,
the one you love will always be in your heart.

The only reason that I can see to make sense of this mess and why you have
shut me out of your life is:
I believe you loved me like no one else. I looked into your heart and you
looked into mine. It was real.
I know I loved you like no one else. These feelings were undeniable.
We are soulmates. We shared our minds, hearts and souls together.
You were hurt and thought I would never leave my situation.
The only way to get passed your feelings for me was to hate me.
You have convinced yourself to hate me by imagining untrue things about me.
You will never know what I have been through and still am going through.
You will never know how much I love you, how true and intense and real these
feelings are.
You will know how much you have hurt me.
You will never know.

Hopes and dreams….

lyftroml — Wed, 15 Oct 2008 03:23:58 +0000

I am slowly getting closer to letting go, but thoughts of what could have been and how much I miss you are in the front of my mind always.

I hope you have made the right decision. For all the great moments that we shared together, you have made a decision based on a few small events….

“If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best”…Marilyn Monroe

I wonder…

lyftroml — Sat, 11 Oct 2008 23:46:07 +0000

I wonder if you sometimes open your eyes in the morning and for a split second think you might see me beside you instead of him….

I wonder if you still love me…..as I love you……

I will never understand your actons

lyftroml — Mon, 06 Oct 2008 15:40:18 +0000

It’s been another few weeks since I last put down my feelings though I think about you and how I am going to live a happy life without you.

I cannot make any sense or reasoning behind your rapid change of heart and actions. I know that you would have made me the happiest man alive if we got to live our life together forever. I know that I would have made you the happiest woman alive if you didn’t let go of our hope and love. I know how happy that you were when we were together, yet we never got to experience being together unconditionally. So I know that we would have been perfect together and had the greatests of lifes if we had that chance. I cannot understand why you didn’t hold on for a little bit longer before you decided that I wouldn’t live up to my promises as we had planned.

I will never hate you, as I cannot ever feel hate for the one person that I have felt eternal love for. But I will never forgive you for pulling me back into your heart in April after I had painfully thought I had lost you then. You gave me hope and love to continue working towards our goal of being together. You gave me a reason to wake up with plans of a future together. Then somewhere along the path from that moment, you decided to move on and leave me with his dream, without even telling me, without even explaining to me, without even giving me any compassion. You have been the greatest love of my life and I don’t ever expect to replace that love again. But you have also been the most vicious and thoughtless person who has inflicted the greatest pain in my heart in me life. I find a conflict in my heart where I want to hope we will cross paths again one day, but on the other hand I want you to feel the pain that I have. I think karma may be your downfall, as what goes around, comes around. I hope if one day you realis your mistake and how much you truly do love me, that I can somehow forgive you for what you have done. Only time will tell.

draft – goodbye letter, different day, different emotions…

lyftroml — Wed, 17 Sep 2008 01:16:13 +0000

This letter is to inform you that I know that I need to let go and have moved out from the area.

I would like to apologise if any actions of mine have caused you pain in the past. I hope you understand that things were extremely hard to deal with when I felt that I had lost my future family and life that I was working towards. If you went through the pain, emotions, sense of total loss of direction that I have gone through before you decided to move on, then I am truly sorry for putting you through that as well. I’ve experienced the same thoughts that you mentioned when we spoke late March. I’ve never been so affected by anything in my life and have found it hard not to think about these things all the time. I know you have moved on, I just pray for the day when I can erase these feelings from my heart and do the same. It won’t happen overnight, but it will happen.

I also hope you forgive me for being an inconvenience and a pain in the butt. I just couldn’t/can’t work out how things changed so quickly. I suppose it might not have seemed quick from your end, but I was holding onto our dream and didn’t realise you had decided to move on until only recently. In hindsight, not communicating whilst I was working towards moving out resulted in me not knowing what you were going through and you didn’t know what I was really going through and how important being with you was to me. If I had my time again, I would have moved out back in March after we had spoken. We live and learn.

After what we once shared, I will never hate you for any of your actions towards me, but hopefully one day I will understand them. If you need to hate me to deal with the past, I wish you wouldn’t, but that is something I cannot change. I know you have changed in some ways, but I also believe that deep down inside you are still the beautiful person that I once knew. This is not a bad thing, so never let go of those special qualities that you have. I will not remember you for the last few months, but for the times when we were close. These times will always be very special to me. I hope you can do the same.

Things I learnt from you:

What true love really is, feels like, should be, and that it does exist out there somewhere.

Monogomy is a treasure with the right person. (removed all the seedy profiles from online after our last chat)

That I truly want a family if I ever do find my soulmate.

Act today, as tomorrow will be too late.

You can’t make someone love you no matter how much you love them. It’s either there or it’s not.

I’ts hard to say this, but I do honestly wish you luck in your new relationship. He must be a very special guy if you fell in love with him so quickly and I hope he realises how special you are as well. I’m sure he does and you will both experience the most wonderful life. Since I didn’t work out to be that lucky guy, I am happy that you have found what you have always been looking for. If anyone has had hardship in their life and deserves eternal happiness, then you do.

I don’t want you to worry anymore, as I will not be contacting you to try and salvage anything from the past, nor will I interfere with you getting on with your life. I know I need to let go of the dream that I once had and am working towards that every day. I have seen counsellors and the doctor and whilst it was good to finally talk to someone about my emotions, I know that it is up to me to work through this and no one else. I wish I had spoken to people about this situation earlier, as it would have brought to the front what I really wanted, rather than not dealing with it when I got back from overseas. Depression is not fun and is unlike a physical injury in which the pain can be isolated to one area.

I hope to enjoy a single life in my new house and have taken extended time off work to re-evaluate my direction and become strong again. I know that I crave love to replace what I have lost, but also know that it is way too soon for me to rebound into another relationship as it might be for all the wrong reasons. Once I have regained my motivation and confidence, I know that I have the skills and potential to make a lot of money and to own that dream house of mine on the waterfront – that is something for me to work towards.

We all have dreams in life and I hope we both achieve them all.

Warm smiles and a heartfelt hug.

You know….

drafting a goodbye letter for when I move away…

lyftroml — Sat, 13 Sep 2008 12:25:02 +0000

Nic,

This is not a letter of stalking, harrassment, fear or whatever else you may try and make it out to be.

This is not an email to profess my undying love for you, or to try and rekindle what we once had, or to try and get you to help me understand how your feelings changed so quickly. I feel the time for these things passed after your actions to our last contact. I realised that it was time for me to move along with my life as you have with yours. I threw the dice one last time, and the results were shown.

This is an email to notify that I have moved away on my own from the area.

I will never understand your actions towards me.

You professed never ending love for me, as well as eternal friendship.

Which turned into isolation, to a lack of compassion, to hate.

I will never understand that the person who I once loved would ever treat me this way, especially when I was working towards what we discussed on the phone in early April. And especially since I never gave you any reason to fear or to hate me. It just seems like once you were finished with what you needed, I was no more use or someone that you felt to give any compassion or understanding.

I realise that you have fallen in love with someone else, but I will never understand your lack of compassion for someone who still loved you and who you apparently loved so much only months ago.

I don’t know why, but I do wish you luck in your future with your new partner. I hope he gives you as much love as I once did, because you would have found someone truly worthy of your love. I hope I also find someone worthy of my love one day. The only positive to draw from this on my side is that I have realised that I can love someone unconditionally.

I am a survivor like yourself, but I know that this situation will take a long time for me to repair myself to be able to ever trust anyone as much as I once trusted you – a trust that was shown to be unworthy in the end.

I cannot see myself ever forgiving you at this stage. You have turned out to be a completely different person to who I thought I knew. I will never trust you again, though as promised, if you ever need help in the future I will be there to assist you. Just because you have turned into someone I am glad that I am not with, doesn’t mean that I couldn’t feel compassion for you if you ever needed it.

Goodbye

Time to start healing – the truth

lyftroml — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 03:45:27 +0000

Nicole,

I have been to see a counsellor and also my local GP. I have told them my story and how I ended up feeling so low. They were very supportive, which was good to know that someone else hasn’t seen my past actions from being unrealistic compared to the chain of events that has unfolded over recent months.

Anyway, I suppose part of my healing is to understand that I can only change what is possible to change.

I cannot change your heart or your actions.

I can change my situation by moving out and taking time to rediscover myself and my direction in life.

It is strange set of emotions that we go through while getting though these things. I know that I will always love you, this is a fact, can’t help that. I don’t think I could ever trust you again though if we did cross paths. Your refusal to talk to me over the last few months after you said so many things to me only a few months before that, makes me wonder whether you really are a manipulative and cunning person.

You sucked me into your web, looking me into the eyes many times and telling me of the strong spritual connection between us, asking me can I feel it. I am sure you have used this line on your new guy.

You told me that yo have never felt this way about a man before and have never opened up to anyone like me before. That I will have yor heart and love forever, we will always be soulmates, friends, etc. I am sure you have probably used this line on your new guy.

You looked into my eyes, battered your eyelids, told me that things we had done together, you had never done with anyone before. I am sure you hav probably used this line on your new guy.

These things show you are a fighter, a survivor. This is what you know. I was a great stepping stone for you at the time, a possible father for your Daughter (who I did grow to love so much). I think in moments of strength, that I am probably lucky you found someone else to drag into your web of lies and deceit. You shallow and twisted world of friends and family. I know in my heart, that I have utter integrity in my actions and emotions. You don’t. If your new guy is one of the good guys, I feel sorry for him and hope he stumbles across this website, puts two and two together to realise you are giving him the same lines, and then he runs a mile to get away. If he is a show pony manipulative guy who is in love with himself, which is what it looks like, then you might just be perfect for each other.

I know I’m a longway from being completely healed from our crossing of paths, and I know no matter how you have treated me in the past, I know that I will always have love for you in my heart. Though it would be a miracle if I could ever forgive you.

Her name was Nicole.

lyftroml — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 03:55:05 +0000

I don’t know where to start. I never thought that I ever end up in a place like this – heart broken, depressed, no direction, confused, hollow, rejected. I’ve never been one to worry about things and always had a carefree take it or leave it attitude. But since that special night on NYE 2006, about 1 year, 9 months, 4 days, 12 hours ago – a lot of things have changed.

I first laid eyes on her at a small local New Year’s Eve gathering nestled between a few houses only a block away from where I lived – where I lived with my partner of 9 years who I will call J.

J and I had been having a few drinks at home and relaxing together when we decided to go out to a local New Year’s Eve gathering. We only knew a few people that would be there, so thought it would be a good opportunity to have some fun and maybe make some new friendships. We topped up our drinks around 11.30pm and walked around to the party with some beverages to see the New Year in for 2007.

It was a family affair when we arrived, young children running around while parents drowned themselves in community spirit. We saw a few friends of ours at the time and said hello. Bec & Arron were having problems in their marriage. Bec had confided in us about discovering photo’s on her husbands computer of him with another woman. Bec was usually a quiet subdued woman who seemed submissive to her husband, but not tonight. She had been drinking fairly heavily and was making loud comments about her husbands infidelity, loud enough for people around her to hear, and loud enough for her husband to hear from across the table.

The tension between Bec and Arron was obvious. He was visibly adjitating and looking quite angry. J and myself had sat beside Bec, who was feeling quite depressed and insecure. She needed cheering up, so I said that I thought she was a sexy woman no matter what her husband thought. She wasn’t my type, but I am no stranger to flirting after a few drinks and thought that she needed something to pick her up.

J and myself had a reputation of being liberal in our sexual exploits. A small group of people we knew in the neighbourhood thought that we were swingers. We never denied the rumours, but in reality had only ever had a few 3somes with a few different girls quite a few years ago. We’d never ruled out the option of swinging one day if we were confronted with a situation that we both thought would be fun, but we’d never actually been there in the past. We considered ourselves a normal, fairly attractive, easygoing couple who were open minded to the various possibilities of life. We had no children and were leaning towards staying that way indefinitely, maybe forever. J had always stated that whilst she loved children, she also loved seeing them go home with their parents when families had come over to visit. She had said many times that she had no maternal instincts to have children of her own. I had never liked the idea of being tied down with children until I felt settled. I was happy to be able to do what we wanted, when we wanted. That may sound greedy, but it was how we both felt.

We chatted amongst the people and were having fun. Then it happened. I laid eyes on her for the first time. It was around midnight – NYE 2006. I felt attracted to her immediately, not only to her beautiful looks, but also to the way she carried herself. She was standing across the table from me and we smiled and said hello. Her name was Nicole. The name that has remained etched in my heart since that moment.

I had no idea what would unfold over the next 18 mths. I had no idea how close we would become. I had no idea how this random encounter would undo the rest of my life. I had no idea that 3 people would go through the most amazing adventure together that would end in pain for all of them. I had no idea that it was possible to love someone so much. I had no idea that I would hurt so much. I had no idea. If I did know, maybe I would have chosen to leave the party straight away, maybe I wouldn’t. I had no idea and still have no idea. I had met the woman who I would believe was my eternal soulmate. We were about to travel a road that would create the most loved and happiest days of my life, but would end in me feeling so lost and unloved. I had no idea that the following months would start with a great friendship, an intense intimate relationship between 3 people, unknown levels of love and passion, everlasting love, broken hearts, lost love, the police, a need to change my life. Her name was Nicole.

“Hi Nicole, my name’s G”.

Sent: Monday, March 24, 2008 7:03 PM

Subject: Fw: Good bye

Just in case you didn’t get my hand delivered letter or you threw it out without reading it.

Nicole,

I’ve been writing this letter off and on for the last 6 weeks since you sent your goodbye email and stopped contact with me.

It’s been an extrordinarily hard time for me and I assume it has been for you as well, I don’t deny that at all. But I suppose you made the choice to stop contact, not me, so you were ready to move on. I wasn’t, and it’s left an empty hole in my heart.

I’ve had so many thoughts over the last 6 weeks, the whole range of emotions, pain, anger, love, disappointment, frustration, loss, sadness and many more. This letter may not make sense, but at various times I sat down and typed what I was feeling, it helped me to share my pain with someone, even though this someone was only a computer. I have no one else that I can talk to about these things and that is hard. I just had a quick read over this letter, and I repeat myself at times. This is because it was written over several weeks and is how I felt each time I sat down to write. There are bits I thought I should leave out, but I thought I would leave everything in to give you an insight into my mind and how this has affected me.

05Mar08

I do not understand why you couldn’t send me a short text or a short email when I was trying to contact you when I found out you were sick. I found out when I sent an email to your work email address and got a return email that you were unwell and would not be contactable for 2-4. It didn’t say a timeframe as in days, weeks, months. So naturally I assumed the worst and was seriously concerned about the woman that I grew to love just over a year ago. Someone that means so much to me, someone that I thought would be in my life forever, someone that I cared about more than life itself.

I was extremely worried, walked past your house to see if there was any movement, looked for your car, sent you text messages, sent you emails, tried to phone you – all with no reply or conformation that you were alright. No matter how much you have gotten over me so quickly, no matter how much you never want to see me again for the rest of your life, no matter how you much you might have convinced yourself to hate me - don’t you think that what we shared over the last year deserved that I should at least be able to know that you are safe and well, and that if I thought otherwise that I would be extremely distressed. I wanted so much to just come around and see you, to chat to you, to make sure everything was alright but I didn’t know how you would react. I suppose it says something to me thinking I really knew you, because I didn’t know whether you would smile at me and say that you are alright, whether you would abuse me for coming over or whether you would call the police and have me arrested for harassment. Isn’t it funny how close we were, yet I can’t be sure that you wouldn’t do that to me. I also didn’t want to seem like a stalker, as I know you went through a lot when you left Ty’s biological father and tried to hide from him. I didn’t want to become like him and make you feel that way. It kills me to think that I have left this effect on you. It kills me that you might think that I was using you, thinking that I didn’t really and truly love you, thinking that I could just forget about you so easily.

No matter what your so called friends may tell you, I seriously loved you. I adored you. You were the most beautiful girl in the world to me, the most sensual and loving girl I have ever met, the most inspiring and fun person to be around, the most giving person when we were intimate. I was driving home the other day and was was thinking how I used to rush home looking forward to seeing you, and that has been taken away from me. I don’t rush home anymore. I woke up this morning and thought how much I looked forward to seeing you on Saturday mornings, going into town with you, hanging out with you, watching a video and trying not to talk all the way though it. That has been taken away from me.

I was walking the dog the other night and looked up to see the moon and it reminds me of you. That is our moon that we once shared and no matter who you are with, you will only be kidding yourself if you think you can share that moon with him, as it will always be ours.

I was walking the dog another day, and looked at the sun, and thought ‘You are my sunshine’…you will always be my sunshine and no one will ever take that away from me.

I looked up the other night and saw the stars, the bright stars we used to look at, the ones you shared with your sister, the ones that you shared with me, the southern cross that I shared with you. They were our stars and always will be.

Every time I drive, I look for your car, pretty princess. I thought I was driving behind it one day, but it wasn’t you.

Everytime I walk past your street, I look for your car, hoping to see you…just a glance….

Every night that I go to bed I have a cigarette on the verandah and look across at the direction of your house. I think you are so close, yet so far. I often try to send ESP messages to you, letting you know how much I love you. Hoping you will feel my warmth and my arms around you as you sleep.

I think about you when I first open my eyes and when I lay in bed trying to sleep at night. I dream about you nearly every night. I even dreamt that Ty was a few years older and you were arguing with her because she wanted to see me. She said that she was going to see me and didn’t care what you thought. I imagined tucking her into bed and reading her a story, her falling asleep and me giving her a kiss on the cheek goodnight. I must admit, I haven’t thought of your dog Fluff much…sorry.

I thought a few weeks ago that I needed someone to talk to about how I feel and the situation I am in. If I had your mothers phone number I would have called her, asked to meet me for lunch so I could talk to her, maybe she had some words of wisdom, I don’t know, maybe she could help me to understand why you needed to cut me out of your life completely, maybe not.

Just heard a song “Crazy for you” by Madonna….reminded me of you.

How J and I have been going….struggling. Lots of tears and arguements. J drove off in the 4WD last week, the first night her parents arrived and we had a fight about that. She drove off drunk and turned back up a few hours later. She had asked me earlier whether I was in love with you. I said yes. She then asked if I was in love with her. I said I loved her, but wasn’t sure that I was in love with her. Please tell me if I need to let go of you.

Thanking you for all you gave me over our time together…..

The only people who knew how we felt about each other is you and me. Anyone else can guess, assume, think, pass judgements, whatever, but ONLY you and me knew what we felt and how strong it was, no one else.

I do understand your choice to cut off contact with me, yet it truly kills me to try to imagine a life without both you and Ty in it. I have grown so close to both of you and considered you as part of my family.

From the pain that you have pointed out which I have caused you, I will honour your request not to contact you, though needed to respond to your email. Since I am blocked, you will not read this, but I need to voice my feelings. Maybe your intuition or ESP connection with me will enable you to detect the way I feel.

I am glad that we met and will always treasure the moments we shared in my life. Though the pain I have caused you, J, and myself has been significant. I will carry this burden forever of hurting the only people I have loved in my life. I never wanted to cause you pain, yet this is what you will remember me for, which will make it easier for you to forget me, to hate me. All I wanted to do was to help you, to laugh with you, to support you, to care for you, to love you forever. I couldn’t even get that right.

It burns a hole in my heart that you have realised that I am not someone you want or need in your life. You can move on now knowing that I was nothing but a harmful and painful experience. Not having you in my life will be a part of me that will never heal, I know that and cannot see the road ahead without you in my thoughts. You decided that no matter what my situation was, that I am not a good person and I am not a healthy person to be around. I am sorry for that.

I was always worried that you were too good for me. Your heart is too pure and beautiful, which is amazing considering some of the cards you have been dealt in your life. You get knocked down, you pick yourself up, and you still remain pure. Your heart is white, while mine is lost.

I suppose the irony is that J still loves me no matter how dark I can be. This is her burden, which in the long run has been your saviour. I know that I am not worthy of love from either of you, which you have realised. Maybe I will end up on my own. I’m not sure if I care either way anymore. I always thought life would be easier living on my own, never falling in love. That way the only person that can disappoint and hurt me is myself.

I read your email on Saturday night about 8pm. Prior to reading it we had been having a drink and I was trying to not think of you. I wanted so much for you to come over and to share some smiles and laughs….god I miss that intensely. Realising that you were not going to come over, I suggested to J that we go to the Pub for a drink. When J went upstairs to get ready, I decided to check emails…to see if you had sent me one. I check my email box religiously always hoping to hear from you – and I still check my email box too many times…hoping to see your name pop up in my Inbox. Anyway, your email came through and I started to read it…hoping maybe you wanted to catch up…hoping to call you and get you to come to the pub with me.

I felt numb as I read through the first paragraph….and felt ill in my stomach as I read the remaining paragraphs. I felt ill not only for the realisation that I might never see you again, but I also felt ill that I had caused you this much pain. Pain that I never wanted to cause you…I would rather live a life of solitude than to ever hurt you. I would have less pain in my life knowing that you had no pain. I am eternally sorry….

I walked upstairs and got ready, still numb. I decided to show J the email before we left. She read the email and started crying….so did I. We cried.

I suggested that we still go out and celebrate the love we have for you and for me to drown my sorrows.

Tears welled our eyes on the way to the pub, we cried walking into the pub…we cried at the pub. We raised many a drink to the greatest person we had met in our life. I spoke of my love for you. J spoke of her her love for you also, she said that you have been the closest friend she had ever had in her life, that you and myself were the two greatest people that she had ever loved. We toasted to a person that we will never replace in our lives.

When we got home, J and I had an arguement, mostly due to being a bit drunk and also because I could not say that she was my first choice….J went for a walk as always…I went to sleep….drunk enough to fall asleep.

We have spoken a great deal about the situation since then. J realises my pain…she said that she has rarely seen me cry for anything and understands my love for you.

You hurt me….you hurt J…I hurt J….and I had hurt you.

Today I have been sorting out my things from the desert. I found the “Love is…” cards that you had put so much love and effort into. I read through them…over and over again….knowing at that stage our love was so strong for each other. Though you made many promises in these cards….promises you will never keep….that you have realised that you can’t keep. This is why I never liked people to make promises to me or vice versa…..as forever is supposed to be forever.

I went onto a ninemsn website today and posted a Valentines Day message to you. You will never read it…but it helps for me to express my love, my loss, my pain. I miss mbf and love.

I try to understand that you needed to stop contact with me. That you blame me for not following our dreams, that you blame me for hurting you, that you think my love wasn’t as strong as yours. I’ll give you two out of three, but I believe my love was stronger than yours. I am confused and think maybe you just had lust and passion for me….maybe not true love.

I had met you, fallen in love with you, spent every waking moment wanting to be with you since NYE 2006. You put me on the spot and demanded me to take action while I was overseas. When I didn’t take action, you sent me an email and told me never to contact you again. It killed me, but I honoured your wishes. Over this period, you slept with P on a few occasions, you go out on numerous dates, you date a drug dealer, you kiss several guys, you take J’s brother to your bed and spend an intimate night together. These are the things you have admitted to. You know if I had done these things it would have been enough for you to walk away without pain, but I didn’t. In the meantime after receiving your email to stop contact while I am overseas, I never touch another woman, I never kiss another woman, my thoughts are with you. Everytime I got a chance, I looked at jewellery and other things you might like, looked for a suitable bracelet, etc. I tried to not think of you…I dreamt about you.

I get home….we catch up…we connect. We realise that is is a one of a kind special love. Within a few days of me getting back, you decide that Nicole wants more immediately and wants me to take action straight away. To discard J’s feelings, to go with my heart, and to be with you. I sit down and try to think. I didn’t want to ever hurt you and I didn’t want to ever hurt J. J has done nothing to deserve this. It’s not her fault that we fell in love. I realised that I couldn’t just walk away from her at that time no matter how much i knew I loved you and no matter how much I wanted to be with you. I decided that J and myself and what we need to address in our relationship is separate to what you and I have. I decided that if you and I are truly meant to be together, then we will be together and if it takes me some time to work through things with J, then that is something that I owe her. I thought the best way to do this, was to cherish the friendship we have and to put things on hold between us, to take a step back and to enjoy what I thought was an eternal friendship and love. Then one day we might be able to continue where we left off when fate brought us back together again.

Throughout our conversations, you mentioned things like we would never be suited as we would fight too much, that you wouldn’t be happy if you felt restricted to buy $500 dresses, etc. Here I am, in a possible life changing crisis and your concern is a restriction on shopping??? Then you are talking to all these people, a lot of them having such fucked up lives that they should be imprisoned for giving out relationship advice, and listening to them that I am a user, a liar, etc. If you knew me and loved me, you would have realised that I was never these things and that I never meant to fall in love with you, that I never meant to hurt you, that I never meant to hurt anyone.

I suppose more of my insecurites with you when I got home were some things you had said to me. First of all you bring up the difference in age between us. I didn’t think this was an issue for me, but hearing you bring that up must have meant that you were thinking about it. This then made me think about it, and I was doubting myself as to whether I could satisfy you physically in years to come, was I enough. You also said to me that I could never be happy with you and that I would need to sleep around, yet I went overseas and had opportunities that I never even blinked an eyelid at. It seemed to me like you were finding whatever reasons that you could to justify yourself to walk away from me, again.

One of the many things that I admire about you is your love and protection as a mother. Ty is a beautiful girl and will grow up to be as beautiful as her mother. You have decided that any contact with J or myself is detrimental to her and this is your choice. I will respect that choice, though not seeing her has also created another void in my life.

I never knew the answers, I never knew the right thing to do by everyone, I never knew a lot of things. But I did know that my love for you was special and that it would last forever. You can take away my friendship and your love, but you can’t take this away from me. No matter how much you grow to hate me, I will always love you. If you ever fall down and need a hand up, if you are ever in trouble, if you ever need help…please contact me. I will be there to assist in whatever way that I can. From all the unkept promises that you made to me, and all the disappointment that I caused you, know that this promise will be there if you ever need help even though you have realised that we cannot have a future together on any level.

If you decide that you ever need me, ever need help, someone to talk to, ever need your best friend and person that loves you in your life – if I move and my mobile changes, you can always get my contact details through my parents. Their details are; xxxxxxxxxxxx

It has torn my heart out that you mentioned that I was not the type of person you would even want as a friend. If the friends you choose now will live up to half of the love and support that I gave you, that I was prepared to give you, then you will have a fortunate life.

The day after you sent me your goodbye email, I was in pain and was watching TV. A movie came on called “Serendipity”. It is a bit of a tear jerker but seemed relevant to our situation and gave me some hope. If you haven’t seen this movie, could you please watch it. It gives me hope that maybe the future is still unknown for us.

Serendipity – an unsought, unintended, or unexpected discovery, made by accident.

I was watching the movie “Mr & Mrs Smith” with Brad Pit and Angelina Joli. If you haven’t seen it, you should watch it. Their relationship in the movie reminds me of us. Remembering the way we were made me smile, but then made me sad that we weren’t still in contact. I also watched Desperate Housewives, and you reminded me of Susan…clumsy but cute and sexy.

It’s funny how many things seem to remind me constantly about you, whilst knowing I will never forget you but trying to get on with everyday life by you not being my first thought throughout every waking hour.

Would we have ever worked? Who knows, but it would have been one hell of a great ride that I would have loved to have experienced. On one hand….I like to think if things were different we’d be together forever and would have added an addition to our family. My deepest regret is that I hadn’t called you 10 mins earlier that day when you went to the medical centre. I will carry that pain with me for the rest of my life.

You worried about my love, but what happens if your love wears off? Like now? Do you have the capacity to love forever? I think I do. It is funny though as ever since I met you, besides the Fudge/Kath night, I have never been with, kissed, etc another woman and I still haven’t to date. Okay, besides J, that’s a given.

But in that time….The night at the Establishment, before I whisked you off for a good kiss, you met a guy when you were out with me who you apparently loved, you met this guy and next thing you are playing tonsel hockey with him. We know what would have happened if I had done that with another girl that night.

As mentioned earlier, you slept with P twice that I know of, you had K in your bed, you kissed and were with R the drug dealer, not to mention all the other dates that you went out on.

Which brings up another point. You say that you cannot have me in any capacity in your life, because you want a healthy life for Ty, but you go out with a guy who ends up being a drug dealer, and after finding this out you still choose to go out to his car with him.

Then the time before that in the city, you go with strange guys in a cab to some house in the city. Not things that I would expect someone that thinks I am such an unhealthy influence on your daughter to be doing. I have done nothing but try to keep you away from the drug scene, and you would be hard pressed to find anyone who would think my lifestyle is a worse influence than a drug lifestyle. The risk of harming yourself with drugs or putting yourself in compromising situations where you could be harmed, then who is going to look after your daughter??? These are just things that never added up with your decision to remove a harmful influence such as myself from your daughters life.

I always worried that I was never enough for you. The guys that you like are corporate types, or the dominant pub type muscle bound guys. I am neither of those types. You like tall guys, I am not. You like flash cars, I didn’t have. I felt you would be happier with someone younger, someone who could keep up with you, I couldn’t. It makes sense that I would have never satisfied you. On the other hand though, there is nothing I would have changed about you. I couldn’t find a thing to change about you, loved you just the way you were.

I hope you sort out your job and find your feet now that you have left behind this unwanted luggage. I know you will succeed in whatever you do. You don’t need help to do that as you have the ability and power to achieve this yourself.

If you are thinking of selling yoiur house or something like that, that is your choice. It’s a bad choice financially, but it is your choice. However, I would like to let you know that I will be moving when possible, maybe a month, maybe two. This is my choice.

Good luck with controlling your life in regards to drinking. You have the power to get through that. It’s up to you.

Good luck with maintaining your physique and fitness. I have a desire to get fit, to run the City to Surf in August and my first marathon this year in the September Sydney marathon. These are the type of goals I am setting to give me something to distract my thoughts from this situation as best that I can.

I hope you find the happy and nuclear lifestyle for Ty that you so desperately seek. Even though the love you give her as one person has always been enough and more than many other children. She is blessed as much as you are.

I wish you internal peace with all of your family. You can pick your friends, as you have, but you can’t pick your family. I never picked my family, you became my family from the day we met.

Valentines Day 2007

It was always going to be an extremely hard day for me.

I finished off a card for you that I had been working on, sort of a tribute to you and some memories of us.

I ordered 2 dozen roses, a little teddy bear and card to be delivered to your work address.

The card read;

Your beauty and your mind,

Are a very rare find,

But your heart and soul,

Are one of a kind.

I dropped off a gift for you at your back door and gave your dog a bone.

Your gift…a pair of diamond earrings, an 18k gold bangle, a set of white cotton PJ’s.

I sent you an sms and an email.

You responded to none of these things.

You must be over me and moving on, which hurts me as I haven’t/cannot move on.

22Mar08 Easter Saturday.

It’s Easter weekend…I’ve tried to contact you to see if you would be kind enough to catch up and let me see if I can get some closure. Since you won’t reply to me, I don’t know whether that means you really do hate me and if I come around that you will be hostile and tell me where to go – that scares me as I don’t know if I could handle that. I also don’t know whether you are still missing me also and don’t want to see me as it will make it harder for you. I also don’t know if you want me to just come around and sweep you up in my arms and hold you close and to tell you how much I love you. So I am caught in a situation where on one hand, I tell myself to leave you alone as you are over me and are seeing someone else…P..whoever. Or whether deep down you want me to prove my love and come around. I suppose if you communicated where you are at the moment, it would let me know what I should do.

If you have truly moved on, it wouldn’t hurt you to see me and let me know this, as even though it would cause me pain, it would help me to know that what we had wasn’t meant to last forever, what we had wasn’t real, what we had is over. This would allow me to go through the pain of realising that you were never my soulmate, my best friend, my confident, my love. Please communicate this to me if this is the case, just tell me that you don’t care for me and to leave you alone.

If you still cared for me at all, I do not want to trick you into anything and make you take a backward step, but it would let me concentrate on trying to decide what I want in my life and whether fate may bring us back together one day. A sort of inner peace that you really did care as much as I do. Anyway, you haven’t responded to my messages, to my calls. It is a full moon tonight, our moon that we once made a promise to each other that we would always be there for each other, no matter what, eternity, forever. I will always keep every promise I made to you, forever. This breaks my heart that all of your promises were only short term. Am I that stupid or crazy that I thought we were soulmates, best friends, in love with each other?

I know you sometimes used to think that I was scheming things between us…that occasionally you would doubt my true love. This has never been the case, if I didn’t love you as much as I do, it wouldn’t be this hard for me to try and let go. I have never experienced this hollow and empty feeling in my stomach, ever. I woudn’t be sitting here every moment wondering why I am not with you instead of where I am now. Things haven’t been too good at home, lots of arguements, lots of pain. I’m still not sure where that is heading, but that is something I need to work through myself.

So if you do get this email, and you have it in your heart to talk to me, please contact me, sms, phone, drop over, whatever. I am home alone for the weekend until Monday night. I would really like to sort this out once and for all. I even thought if you were that opposed to ever seeing me again, then could I talk to your mother, as I have no one else to talk to. Maybe she can put some clarity as to where your head is and what I need to do or not do. So as a last option, if you are not willing to talk to me, then can I call or meet your mother at some stage, your sister?

I’m not trying to put you in a situation that you feel uncomfortable, even a public place to catch up – coffee, dinner, lunch, whatever.

Please let me know….it hard to think of anything else when I don’t know…

Happy Easter…I miss your excited smile on these occasions and also can imagine Ty’s little excited face, miss her also.

I hope you both enjoy the easter eggs and card that I dropped off tonight, hope that it brought a smile to Ty’s face.

23Mar08 Easter Sunday

Another day of wondering whether you are going to send me a message, ring me, let me know everythings okay, that you don’t hate me. There’s nothing I can do if you have moved on and are seeing someone else, but it hurts me to think that you have convinced yourself that what we had wasn’t real and that you don’t even like me anymore. If it’s one thing that I need, it’s that you still care for me, even if it’s just as a friend. We went through so many things last year, the highs, the lows. There were great highs, falling in love, spending time together, seeing you get your job , seeing you buy your dream car, seeing you happy, seeing Ty begin to like me more and more every day. I know it wasn’t all roses, something had to give at some stage.

I know you feel like I have chosen J over you, and that isn’t the case. Put yourself in my shoes, we fall in love, we realise we are soulmates, we realise we are madly in love and are eager to spend every moment we can together. This is when I went overseas and we chat on the phone and you put me on the spot to make a commitment. I knew I loved you, I knew I wanted you to have my baby, I knew we were meant to be together, I knew I would cherish to have Ty call me Dad and to love me, but I had never thought of the other part of the equation – J. I couldn’t give you a guarentee right away, I needed to work out how to make everything work out so no one got hurt. My mind was thinking maybe J might fall out of love with me, or meet someone else, or leave me because she knew how deeply we were in love. I needed time to try and organise things so the least damage was caused.

So you decided to send me an email when I needed you the most, an email that broke my heart, you didn’t want any more contact.

I was terribly upset just thinking of the email you sent to me overseas. We discussed it when we were chatting in your house not long after I got back, which brought tears to my eyes, so the impact was strong on me. I was kept busy overseas with work and because my mind was needed when I was flying through dangerous areas, it prevented me from thinking about that email, about myself, about you. I gradually assumed you had left me and moved on, which broke my heart. In the meantime, you explored your relationship with P, the guy at the Fiddler, J’s brother and dated others as well. Hearing this broke my heart also, as I thought you loved me? You wanted to spend the rest of your life with me, you couldn’t stand to be with anyone else. Apparently not. Now I know you were doing these things for a reason, to move on from me, but put yourself in my shoes and see how those actions made me doubt whether your love was as strong as mine.

I arrived back home, then we catch up that night and had a few drinks. We both knew immediately that we loved each other and wanted to be with each other, that the connection was still there and as strong as ever, that we were meant to be.

We struggle with the situation and you can’t understand that if I loved you so much, than why would I not leave J and go with you? This was the same thoughts that were going through my head as well and I came so close to doing that, but seeing what J was going through as well made me hold back. I was trying to work out again, how I could leave the least damage and for us to be together. My head was confused as I knew I loved you, but you had hurt me seriously once before when I was overseas, you never put enough trust into us being together one day and it was easy for you to just walk away. This made me think that if I was to leave J and go with you, then why should I destroy J on the chance that you would one day leave me also, that as soon as things got tough, that you would just walk away.

I wasn’t hedging my bets and staying with J because she was more likely to never leave me no matter how much I fucked up with things. It was more about if I was going to take that chance with you, then I didn’t want to destroy J on a chance. So I needed to ease out of this relationship with minimal damage, even see if J would walk away from me. We had been together 10 years and she had stuck though it with me, and you had walked away from me twice, even though we both knew we were in love with each other and were meant for each other. Even though we both knew that our love was special and one of a kind. Even though we both knew we would never love this strong again with anyone else, ever.

So I suppose I was thinking that if I could ease out of my relationship over the year, then we could explore a relationship together. I didn’t expect you to sit around, I didn’t expect you to wait, but I would have liked to think that you might still keep your heart open so that one day if I knocked on your door and the timing was right, that we could start dating and go from there. But over the course of a few hours one afternoon, you decided to stop all contact with me, telling me that I was an unhealthy influence on Ty and your lives and that you never wanted to see me again. This shocked me, I was in shock. I cried and still do at the thought that Ty and yourself will never be in my life. I pray every day that it is a nightmare and I will wake up and things will be different. But it’s not.

Now I know you hit rock bottom also, well I don’t really as you would not talk to me. But I assumed you were doing it tough as well, but all I needed for you to say to me is that you understand that I needed to work through things and that you weren’t going to wait around. But you basically told me that as far as you were concerned, I was dead to you, I didn’t exist. Then as time has gone on, I know you are out and about and getting on with life, which is what you should be doing, but things have been very tough for me and I needed to chat to you, to let you know why I had done what I had. You won’t give me that chance, as if you don’t care.

So as minds do, they start to wonder what is going on at your end. Are you dating and fallen for someone already? If so, then please tell me, so I don’t have to go through this pain anymore. So I can move on and justify to myself that you didn’t really love me. It would make things easier. So why not tell me??? It would be no skin off your nose to do so, so please, just let me know.

Or my mind then thinks, maybe she has brainwashed herself, or her friends have brainwashed her to think that I was using you, that I didn’t love you, that I was an arsehole. Well, you can call me an arsehole, but I did love you, every peace of my heart loves you. And I know that you loved me and you knew I loved you. No one else can comment on how much we loved each other if they never saw it or experienced it. No one else can comment or pass judgement that we weren’t meant to be together, only we know that, only we experienced that, not them.

So I start thinking, maybe she’s over me and has moved on, maybe she’s thinking that I am pathetic for loving her so much, pathetic for making a fool of myself by sending all those messages, for dropping off those jewellery gifts, for sending you flowers on Valentines Day, for dropping off Easter eggs. I start thinking, maybe she thinks I’m a loser and I should just get over it, telling her friends what pathetic messages that I am sending, all having a chuckle. If this is the case, like the previous two scenarios, well why don’t you please just tell me, just let me know. I would rather the pain from knowing that’s how you feel than to sit here and have no idea what’s going though your head. At least then I can start to try and move on, to work out where my path is in life. It would cost you nothing to just chat to me and tell me these things, but it would save a lot of heart ache for me.

It’s like I never knew you at all, which means I was a fool, maybe I am. It’s just that I don’t know. I don’t know whether I should go around to your place and to grab you and look you in the eyes and tell you that I love you, that I am in love with you, that I want to be with you. I don’t know whether when I knock on the door, you will be in someone else’s arms, that you will abuse me and tell me to piss off and never come around again or you call the police. I don’t know whether you will hate me more for doing that.

But what I do know, is that we spent the greatest year of our lives together, both our lives.

That it was love at first sight on NYE 2006.

That we clicked from the very first time we spoke, the first time I saw you.

NYD 2007 – breakfast, cards, fun and smiles.

The day you stopped and chatted to me down near the park for 15mins on your way to work.

The many nights sitting out the back, chatting, talking, looking into each other’s eyes.

That we fell in love.

That we trusted and explored so many physical and mental bounderies together.

That I knew I had never made love until I made love to you.

That the way that you responded to my touch, the way you looked into my eyes, the way we kissed, the way we held each other – that was real and no one can take that away from me.

The extreme passion that we had together, in the closet, the bed, the bathroom, the garage, my place.

I remember the first night you fell asleep in my arms on the sun lounge out the back of my place. I woke up the next morning and you were gone. I wondered if it was a heavenly dream.

The first night we kissed on the lounge, our lips, mouth and tongues working in unison, the best kiss of my life.

The first time we were intimate and you looked into my eyes as I made love to you. We told each other we loved each other when I was inside you and we were looking into each others hearts through our eyes, that was real and no one can say otherwise.

The first time I did intimate things to you that you had never experienced, my heart raced like a teenager doing these things for the first time. The way your body responded when I did that to you, that was real.

The first time you did intimate things to me, your first experience, the love I felt though your actions, your passion, that was real and felt like it was the first time anyone had done that to me.

The first time we went into town and held hands, walked around. was so proud to be walking around with the person I was so madly in love with. You helped me shop, how sweet that was, it warmed my heart.

The first time we played tootsies under the doona on the lounge.

The first time you cooked a meal for me, which was beautiful and the love that the meal was made with was even more beautiful.

The first time we showered together at your house, washing each others backs, like lovers do.

The first time you looked at me with love at my place, that change in your expression, that change in the way you listened to me, that change in the way your wall had been removed.

The first time we went bowling and you kicked my arse, the way we flirted and laughed together.

The first time we danced, the same night that we kissed passionately near the bar at the Establishment.

That kiss was so passionate, it would have to go down as one of the all time greatest kisses in the world. My heart was racing, your leg wrapped around me, we didn’t care where we were and who was watching. We were in our own world, just the two of us.

The night we were alone in the bubble bath, the kisses, the passion.

The first time I rescued you from falling asleep in the toilet.

The effort and love you put into making all those ‘love is’ cards before I went to the desert.

Your beautiful and sexy letter on red paper that you sent to me in the desert.

The photo’s you sent to me overseas, particularly the ones where you point to your eye, your heart and to me (I love you).

The first and many nights we watched QLD kick NSW’s arse in the State of Origin, in your blue pajama’s.

The first time we looked at the moon together on the night of the eclipse and made loving promises to each other on the phone.

The day you turned up at the front door in a red coat when we were supposed to be taking the dogs for a walk. Little did I know what was underneath the red coat but I’ll remember that afternoon forever, even though I never saw the tape!!!

The first time I gave you a full body massage and you trusted me with your body.

Dancing with you at my house and watching you dance and do cheerleader routines out the back.

Toasting to you when you got the new job, you sharing that moment with me.

Worrying about you when you went away on trips, showing myself how much I loved you.

The gut wrenching feeling when you told me you slept with F and he was ‘so good you couldn’t walk for days’…this also showed me how much you meant to me.

Crying with you, smiling with you, laughing with you. Making you breakfast and coffee, looking after you.

Looking around for gifts for you where ever I went when in the desert (not that I could ever find that belcher chain gold bracelet you wanted….agrrr).

The way my heart felt when ever I got an email, a message or a phone call from you.

Seeing you walk through the door after work, happy to see you every moment that I could.

You trusting me to look after Ty, knowing that was total trust you gave me.

You chosing to spend your time with me rather than anyone else.

Our night at Jamies farewell at the Castle Hill Tavern – the dreaded slippery slide.

Panadol, berroca, tea, crumpets, orange juice – need I say more.

Your beautiful Thai dinner and your Entree platters.

Our cocktail nights

Making home brew together.

I’m smiling writing these things now, first time that I have felt at peace since you sent that email.

The first time you passed wind like a lady and I heard. You were going to work and walking out on the pathway in front of my house!

Your smell. Your touch. Your beautiful warm eyes when they used to look at me. Caressing your soft hair. Kissing your beautiful ears. Stroking your face. Kissing your cute nose. Feeling your soft lips against mine. Your beautiful teeth and soft tongue. The way you sexily blink your eye when talking to me. Your smile that warms my heart and lets you get your way every time. Your elegant sensual neck. Your shapely shoulders and kissable skin. Your amazing breasts which I loved to pay a lot of attention. Your beautiful back which I massaged and kissed. Your belly button and mid section that I loved to touch and feel. Caressing your sexy bottom. Loving to be explore every millimeter of your lower front area, the taste, the texture, the way you moved when I did things to you, feeling you shudder. Your beautiful long and slender legs wrapped around me. Your soft hands touching me. And now your little bicepts as well.

So I was just thinking, there isn’t a physical thing that I didn’t love about you. And as for your mind, our stimulating conversations, your enthusiasm and inspiration, the way your eyes lit up when we talked about getting ahead in life and exploring ideas together. Your drive and enthusiasm always inspired me. Your intellect was challenging and a pleasure to bounce ideas off. Beauty and brains….sums you up to a tee.

These two things are things that I loved, but your heart was what I treasured the most.

I miss so many things about you, but another one that I miss the most, is falling asleep in your arms and waking up in your arms.

Buying you the little music machine – You are my sunshine. Hope you will keep that with you forever as you will be my sunshine forever. I always thought the only verse of the song that would ever apply to us would be the first verse, but now after reading the rest of the song, it is sad that the other verses now may be true also.

You Are My Sunshine
My only sunshine.
You make me happy
When skies are grey.
You’ll never know, dear,
How much I love you.
Please don’t take my sunshine away

The other nite, dear,
As I lay sleeping
I dreamed I held you in my arms.
When I awoke, dear,
I was mistaken
And I hung my head and cried.

You are my sunshine,
My only sunshine.
You make me happy
When skies are grey.
You’ll never know, dear,
How much I love you.
Please don’t take my sunshine away.

I’ll always love you
And make you happy
If you will only say the same
But if you leave me
To love another
You’ll regret it all some day;

You are my sunshine,
My only sunshine.
You make me happy
When skies are grey.
You’ll never know, dear,
How much I love you.
Please don’t take my sunshine away.

You told me once, dear
You really loved me
And no one else could come between
But now you’ve left me
And love another
You have shattered all my dreams;

You are my sunshine,
My only sunshine.
You make me happy
When skies are grey.
You’ll never know, dear,
How much I love you.
Please don’t take my sunshine away.

Other things that were real and showed our love:

Ty cuddling me on the couch when watching TV.

Helping you with your options/choices/advice when buying your car.

You needing me to help you with the excel percentage program.

Standing proudly beside you when we took Ty to the hospital.

Streaking around the park together.

Doing little ‘man’ jobs around your house for you.

How cute you were when I first came upstairs at your house when you were getting ready and you worried about your bedroom being a little messy (spiderpiggy).

Me smiling here right now as I remember these moments together.

Caring for you when you were sick, rubbing Vix into your back/chest.

I do hope you like your bangle and earrings, they hopefully will be with you forever to remind you of my love. The heart you gave me will be with me forever (Love is: lyftroml x)

The emails we sent each other….the phone messages we sent.

Watching Ty sing at the School concert and you trying to film her with a flat battery and the lens cap on.

Your ‘occasional’ clumsyness, how cute are you.

The way I felt when I missed your call when you went to the GP to get the morning after pill, something I have regretted every day since and will for the rest of my life.

The day I realised that I had never wanted a baby before in my life, until I met you. I still think the same.

The night you told me you would marry me if I asked.

These last two things meant more to me than anything.

You are the only girl in my life that has made me want to be a better man.

Sharing with me all the hardships you have experienced in your life – you trusted me, I loved you for that.

These are the things that I know were real and they are the things that I will hold onto. I can’t cope not thinking otherwise. So after this weekend, you have given me no other choice but to let you go. I know that the longer I try to hold on and try to contact you, that there is a chance that you will forget the true love that we shared and I believe we still share. Obviously the timing isn’t right, otherwise you might have contacted me. So with the deepest loss I am feeling, I will give you your wish and say goodbye. Goodbye Nicole, you have been and always will be my true love. I hope you realise this again one day. Maybe you need to experience more of life in other directions before you wake up and realise that we were meant to be together. Maybe fate will bring us back together one day. No, I can’t accept maybe. Fate will bring us back together one day and we will live happily ever after, till death do we part. You are my sunshine and always will be. I accept your path now and whatever choices you make are only going to bring you back to me one day. Every second that passes is one second closer to being together again some day. I love you Nicole. I am in love with you and always will be. Please don’t hesistate to contact me the day you once again realise that I am your true love as I realise that you are mine. Or if you ever need help, I will be there for you always and forever, no obligations. It doesn’t matter whether you have a new partner, get married, whatever, I will always be there.

May your journey be safe and amazing. May your heart and soul never change the beautiful person that you are.

Locking my love for you deep inside my heart and throwing away the key. Putting that wall back in place.=

My love for you is a journey – starting at forever and ending at never.

True love isn’t impatient.

Goodbye darling.

G xxxx

LUEP

“If you love someone, let them go. If they return to you, it was meant to be. If they don’t, their love was never yours to begin with…”

Love is – knowing that you will always love someone, together or apart, as their soul is with yours forever….

Love is: Loving you for the rest of my life x

Some messages that you sent that mean so much to me;

17May07 19:06 (Nic)

I love your music machine. It makes me smile. Thank you.

17May07 21:10 (Nic)

Happiness they say comes within and I agree. Also surrounding yourself with beautiful people.

29Jun07 08:07 (Nic)

Life is what you make of it and a big part of having a happy life is surrounding yourself with people that you love, the ones that pick you up when you’re down, the ones that you miss being around, the ones that can continually make you laugh and the ones you could not imagine losing in your life. Love you always. Nic. X

13Aug07 (Nic)

Thank you for looking after us. You are such a beautiful man and am glad fate brought us together. My life feels complete with you in it. Love you baby. Xxxxx

15Aug07 (Nic)

I will stop tormenting you baby. There is only one man that I love and want to make love to and that will always be you. Xxx

27Aug07 (Nic)

Love is: understanding that love really does exist and does happen when you do least expect it. X

28Aug07 (Nic)

Love is: feeling complete in your arms, Caring for each other when we are sick baby and lighting up each others day. Xxxx

28Aug07 (Nic)

It amazes me how much I love you in such a small amount of time. I never thought I could let anyone enter into my heart. I must of known to share this with someone really special xxxx, and that someone is you baby. Lutbftroml x

03Sep07 (Nic)

Good morning. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to the man I love. Happy birthday to you. Love always, Nic and Tay xxxxxxxxxxxxoxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxo

04Sep07 (Nic)

Hi sweetie. You have a safe flight. Caught up with you in my dreams last night for a warm cuddle, resting my head on your shoulder. You will always have my love. Lutep. Xxxxx

06Sep07 (Nic)

Why do birds, suddenly appear, everytime you are near. Just like me, they long to be, close to you. Thanks for your call sweetie. Lylalsmu xxxx

25Oct07(Nic)

I honestly will love you for the rest of my life. Forever and ever, always. Xoxo

27Oct07(Nic)

Have not blown the bet dear, will be home shortly darling and my heart will always belong to you, you already know that though xoxox

27Oct07(Nic)

By the way Iwalyep but you already know that. Going home on my own, wish you were in my bed right now. I can never see my love for you ever changing xox

27Oct07(Nic)

Never, you are my true soul mate love! That I will love forever, so glad that I have had the chance of being to connect and share the memories and true to me love with you xox

02Nov07(Nic)

Hello, just read your gorgeous message, you are such a sweetie. What I love about you; well your sweet sexy smile, your gorgeous heart, the way you light up my day and my soul, the intimate times we have shared and the complete love that I have for you darling. J love you xoxox

03Nov07(Nic) 00:45

The messages you send are so dear to me. I will always hold your heart so close to mine. Your encouragement tonight helped me though standing there in a room full of people in black and me in red. Help me hold my head up high knowing that I felt loved and cared for by you sweetheart xoxox

05Nov07(Nic)

Hello darling. When you call next, can you speak to Tay. She is really missing you and wants to fly over to bring you home. Hope you are safe and well Wmyb laaf xoxox

06Nov07(Nic)

Wish you were in my bed right now so I could caress your sensual sexy body and make love to you all night long aftroml xoxo

09Nov07 9pm (Nic)

Oh babe, what I would do to you right now. You would need to take a month off, a year off, to really explore how much you do it for me. About time you booked a flight home so I can take this built up frustration out on you. I know we are close when all I can think about is you being the only man who has ever removed my barrier. Xoxo

I should not honestly drink as you get the truth out of me. The only one who can see my barriers and my heart. Ks. Xoxo

13Nov07 12.15pm (Nic)

Remember, not a scratch. LUEP always and forever, love chatting with you also. Hope you have a great rest and know I will be catching you in my dreams and tally counts. Xoxo

13Nov07 6.13pm (Nic)

Just read your message properly darling. I am sorry for all that pressure. One day at a time and enjoy each new memory and moment we share as I love chatting and enjoying the joy we bring to each other’s life. And I would love to go camping with you all on one condition. What does ilmlty mean. Awlymff asm xoxox

13Nov07 11.18pm (Nic)

Well good, because you always make my heart smile and I would always like to make yours do the same. Hope you are feeling better. Xoxox yams asiiml xoxox

14Nov07 11.22am (Nic)

Just was listening to a song on the radio that reminded me of us. You should know it. “All the good times we had we’ll have a again.” By the Hoodoo Gooroos, very cool. Presentation rocked again. Keep safe. LUEP. Xoxox

Thoughts that I had that I will miss;

Walking down the aisle with you.

Having a baby together.

Introducing you to my family – they would have loved you and Ty.

Going camping together – no mod cons, well, at least not once.

Holidays together - the beach, Australia, the world.

Waking up every morning together with no distractions.

Kissing Ty goodnight every night.

Ty showing and telling me that she loved me.

Ty calling me her Dad.

Watching Ty and any other children grow up together.

Little silly arguements where you know I am right

Little silly arguements where I know you are right

Cuddling on the lounge and watching a video.

Making love to you forever and ever.

Being there for you whenever you need a helping hand, support, love.

Hearing you tell me that you are in love with me every day of my life.

Telling you that I am love with you every day of your life.

Making memories together, taking the good with the bad.

Feeling your body against mine and hearing your heart beat.

Growing old together.

Some emails you sent to me;

Sent: Thursday, October 11, 2007 6:06 PM

Subject: RE: us, when 2 = 1 I am missing a big part of my heart

Thanks babe,

That is such a nice way to end the day with thought of you, like you mentioned it sounds as though we may be equal with the love shared between us. Just have slight differences in how we have to manage it.

You will always be in my heart and mind darling, and am glad I have been able to experience true love with you.

I love you and always will, nothing will change that for me either.

Fate has been presented to us, best to see where it takes us.We have a life time of memories already in such a small space of time.

One thing I know is that it would be great to call you my best friend for life.

LUEP- enjoy number 24xxxxx

I will love my best friend forever and soul mate forever?? If so dido darling

Sent: Monday, November 05, 2007 2:21 PM

Subject: Love is: BILWY

Hello,

Hope all is in well on your end dear; Friday night was alright. Would have been perfect if you were with me my darling.

After your beautiful messages, I felt so confident to stand in a room full of people in black knowing that a beautiful man was with me in my thoughts.

Probably would have been a short night though out, as I would have wanted to take you home and create another tally count with you.

44 at present the way.

Did I tell you how much I love you EP.

Was speaking to my sister today, and she mentioned when I was talking about you how much she could feel my heart smiling. You do make my heart smile each time I think of you. My heart must have a permanent smile then.

I met you in my dreams last night, looking into each others eyes and seeing how much we both mean to each other. We held each other tight and began to kiss passionately.

Then you whispered into my ear” You know”, and I agreed I do know.

You mean so much to me darling, I miss your smile, your laugh, your touch and being wrapped up in your arms. Your top 5% intellect, your 3cm height difference, the way you stroke my head and look deep into my soul. Feeling all of your love surrounding my heart and soul.

Your beautiful hair, eyes, body, and well you know!!

What I love about you the most, where to begin. How about I just say everything, MSMF. I have truly fallen in love and I am so pleased it is with a gorgeous man like you. Your my sunshine.

Ty is really missing you too, we were in the car this morning and she started to say. My pretend birthday, my real birthday, Christmas!! G wont be there for any of them. She broke down and held onto my hand and said “Mummy I really miss G, can we get on a plane and bring him home with us”. Ty had a dream that she went and took a plane to find you and bring you home. Wow here I am trying to understand this amazing feeling of love for you and also my daughter really loves you and misses you to pieces too.

Anyway I miss you (PL); can not be an entire mussy letter without a couple of turret moments in in(KS- well I hope not).

Better get back to the task at hand on my end, as much as I love telling you that ILYEP and AW.

MYB xox xox

Hello,

Do not know if you will get this in time before you fly out to your Tropical Island getting a great sun tan and looking hot in your haemic, with the sea breeze flowing through your hair.

Aw that’s right you don’t have hair any left, well upstairs any way.

I love our chats, I could chat to you until the end of time, you make me smile, laugh, near wet my pants(around the park he he), also you give me butterflies in my tummy when I think of you my darling.

Thanks for your email, they always bring sunshine to my day.

Can not wait for Christmas, just hear how excited I am about Christmas. Imagine how excited I will be when you home home 10000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 time more excited

Hitting the bottom.

•September 6, 2008 •

Well today was my first counselling session to try and begin to see if I can find a way out of the dark place that I have fallen into. A one hour session in Parramatta with a female counsellor. I told her everything, all the things I have gone through, all the things that J has been through, all the things that Nicole has been through, and all the things we have all been through together. It was great to finally talk to someone, to tell them the entire truth, and for them to understand and empathise with me regarding the pain I have been through over the last year. I don’t for a second presume to think that my pain was any more or any less than what Nicole & J have been through, but from Nicole’s recent reactions it seems that she thought she was the only one going through this pain. It was great to have someone just listen, not judge, just listen and sympathise with me.

I am still a flurry of emotions, up and down like a yo yo. Right now I am feeling a little anger towards Nicole for her part in this rollercoaster ride to hell. Yes, we all played a part Nicole.

Nicole earnt our trust and then our love. J did everything for her, cooking her dinner many nights, looking after Tyela when Nicole needed to go away for work while I was away overseas. We both loved Nicole and she said she felt the same way about us. I fell in love with Nicole and she fell in love with me, she played her part in this romance developing as much as I did. She could have stopped it if it wasn’t real, if she knew she wasn’t going to go through with it to the end, if she knew that when she told she would love me forever that maybe she didn’t mean it. When Nicole gave me 6 months from April to separate from J so that we would be together, J and myself went through hell to get to that point. Six months from April takes it until the beginning of October. Yet Nicole seems to have fallen out of love for me and has fallen for another guy. She betrays my love and doesn’t want anything to do with me and is happy and settled with her new partner and life, like we meant nothing. She can’t even explain to me what happened, why she gave up on us, why she didn’t mean what she had said. Nothing, just a cold shoulder and threats of calling the police if I try to email her to find out the answers. Yet J and my lives are shattered, we have both had our dreams taken away from us, for nothing. Thanks Nicole.

So Nicole, was I was 4 weeks late in moving out, maybe 5 weeks? This small amount of time is the difference of you telling me one day that I was your soulmate and true love, that no other man will ever get into your heart like me, that you will love me forever? 4 weeks was the limit of your love??? You shattered two people’s lives with no gain at all for any of us? You shatter my life and then just walk away?

I wish your so called ‘friends’ knew what really happened. That they knew how you looked me in the eyes so many times and drew me into your heart. That they knew how you made no attempt to stop me from falling madly in love with you. That they knew how you wanted me to leave J and gave me six months. Maybe they wouldn’t care, maybe they are as shallow as you appear to be. But maybe if they did know the whole story, if they did walk in my shoes, then they would see that you are not the only victim in this mess. I pray that you are not manipulative and shallow, but your recents actions plus refusing to explain your side to me has left me wondering. I know if you never explain to me what happened from your point of view, if you never tell me why you fell out of love with me and into another mans arms, then my only resolution will be to believe that you are shallow and wrapt up in your own self importance. You always strived to not be judged on your family and your upbringing, but it in fact looks like you haven’t ventured too far from your bloodlines at all.

The stupid thing is that I will always love you. I said that to you while looking into your eyes many times, and I meant it. It appears you aren’t deep enough to say something and to mean it. Why say it at all, if you don’t mean it? Was I a stepping stone for you? I know if you ever turned up needing help, I would drop everything to help you. That was my word, and I will keep it regardless.

The sad thing is that if this new relationship of yours doesn’t work, whilst I will always love you, I am not so sure that I could ever forgive you or to trust you. So when you realise that you will never feel the love that you did from me from anyone else, it may be too late. He looks like he loves himself, so he will never have the capacity to love you as much as I did. In one way, I hope it works out for you, because what you have thrown away with me will be never replicated with any other man in the world. I hope the benefits of having a self loving partner and a yuppie lifestyle makes up for losing someone that loves you just the way that you are. I hope for your sake and I hope for Tyela’s sake that it works. I hope you don’t have to live with regret in your life forever.

I know that you are sitting there and rolling your eyes as you read this, but stop kidding yourself and look in the mirror. If you can lay in bed at night without remorse or guilt from your actions and deceptions, then you are probably a good match for Brett. If you do wake up one day and realise just how much I loved you and how much you have shattered my life, I hope you forgive yourself and have the ability to move forward with whatever path you are on at the time. Maybe that’s why you could never face me, because of your guilt for what you have done to me. Your guilt that you were just grabbing my love until the next supposedly better thing came along. I wonder if he knows that the things you are whispering in his ear, the way that you look him in the eyes, the way you flutter your eyes when you talk – are all the things you had done to me only a few months ago. I wonder if he knows about your web of deception….

What is done, is done.